Roulette
+1y
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a hugefan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be therewhen needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beerwith the game, and you're even around in the holidayshidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we'restuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yetlately I've been wondering about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my bestinterests at heart, I feel that your influence has ledto some unwise consequences, briefed below for yourreview.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you thatcommunication is important, I question the suggestionthat any conversation of substance or necessity takesplace after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call thoseex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want tohear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,though cooking is far from my specialty, why yousuggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, alongwith a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washeddown with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a KitKat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheesefries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I thinkyou went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell methat I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, Isee NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me tofall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black andblue marks that appear on my body mysteriously thenext day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never takeme more than 45 seconds to get the front door key intothe lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as itcan often clarify the last point below, but thefollowing costumes are banned from ever being placedon my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros,bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatableballoon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what iswith you making me take pictures with people I clearlydon't like when I'm sober; yet they suddenly become mybest friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her fromsomewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not requestthat I go over and see if in fact, I do actually knowthat person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal fromnow on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstatethe brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thoughtfrom becoming a statement, especially in public.Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with thecrooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly,etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm withyou and why are they so disgusting to me the nextmorning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. Thisis getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance forour previous evening's debauchery may be in order, butthe 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completelyunacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, ifthe proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passingout facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag ofpopcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no wayinterfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any dayfor that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some yearsnow and would like to ensure that we remain on goodterms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation formuch laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what todo with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue thisfriendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above andaddress them immediately. I will look for an answer no later thanThursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefullywe can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.