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HOW TO KILL YOURSELFA META-GUIDE
GOALS
This text attempts to establish unambiguous criteria by which potential suicidemethods can be judged. This text does not attempt to list or evaluate allknown suicide methods. Acomprehensive listof suicide methods is maintainedby the alt.suicide.holiday newsgroup.
CRITERIA
For a suicide method to be Church of Euthanasia approved, it must be:
QUICKPAINLESSCERTAINDISCREETSAFEACCESSIBLETIDY
RATIONALE
QUICK: Fast methods cause less psychological anguish, and provide lessopportunityto "chicken out". Why be unnecessarily tormented by doubts and second thoughts? An ideal method would be essentially instantaneous.
PAINLESS: The Church of Euthanasia opposes suffering, even for humans. Thereforea Church-approved method must be at least painless, if not outright enjoyable.
CERTAIN: A failed suicide usually results in close surveillance, or evenconfinement to a mental hospital, greatly reducing the odds of a successfulsecond attempt. In addition, many suicide methods have the potential tocause severe suffering if unsuccessful, in the form of irreversible organdamage, disfigurement, and so forth. An ideal method would be 100% certainto cause death, with no chance of mere injury.
DISCREET: Many methods would be effective under ideal conditions, but inpractice have too great a risk of detection. No matter how promising themethod may be from other perspectives, it is useless unless you can get awaywith it.
SAFE: Safe to others, not you! The Church of Euthanasia only supportsVOLUNTARYpopulation reduction. An ideal method would have zero chance of "collateraldamage" to other living things.
ACCESSIBLE: No matter how nifty a method sounds, it doesn't do you anygoodif you can't obtain it, and obtain it discreetly at that.
TIDY: Don't be selfish! If you make a nasty mess, someone will have to discoverit, and clean it up too. That someone could be a friend or family member. Most people aren't trained to deal with trauma, and even if they are, thatdoesn't mean they like it. No one is going to appreciate mopping up bitsof your head.
EVALUATION OF SELECTED COMMON METHODS
Shooting: Assuming minimal knowledge of anatomy, sufficient caliber, anda steady hand, it's quick and certain alright, and probably painless too,though it's hard to be sure. Discreet? Well, once you have the weapon inhand, no one can stop you, so the question is moot.Accessibility varies widely: obviously in the USA it's more accessiblethan we'd like, but in the UK for example it could be nearly impossible. Safety depends heavily on the choice of location. All in all, it wouldn'tbe such a bad method, if it didn't make such a terrible mess.
Hanging: Not very quick or certain, with a decent chance of mere injury. High marks for accessibility, but unfortunately the risk of detection isalso high, because hanging takes a while, unless you manage to break yourneck, which is relatively hard to do. Most people probably wouldn't considerhanging painless, but obviously there's a minority who enjoy this type ofthing (see the classic British film "The Ruling Class" for example). Noone who has ever seen a choking victim would describe this method as "tidy".
Driving: A fine example of an unsafe method. What did all those totalstrangersever do to you? Cars are accessible enough, but collisionshave surprisingly low fatality rates, and usually aren't quick, painless,or tidy.
Jumping: Fairly quick, depending on the height, but not all that certain. You'd be astonished at how many people have survived outrageous jumps.San Francisco's Golden Gate bridge draws jumpers from all over the world,but the locals are hip, and many people are stopped in the act. This methodhas a high probability of a making a truly disgusting mess.
Slashing: Unless you're a Marine, you probably don't have what it takes toslice yourself deeply enough to do the job. There's a fine line betweenself-mutilation and an actual suicide attempt. In most cases this methodis just a cry for help. Straight razors are accessible enough, but thismethod is definitely not painless, certain or quick. It might look glamorousin the movies, but don't be fooled: a bathtub full of blood is not a prettysight.
Drowning: Not particularly discreet except very isolated areas, and eventhen it's advisable to do it at night. If you're a good enough swimmer toget far enough out, it's fairly certain, especially in frigid water, butit's not quick by any means. By some accounts it's moderately painless,but where your bloated corpse will wind up, and towhat extent it will be chewed, is another matter.
Freezing: If you can manage to get above the timber line in winter andgetnaked, this method has a good chance of success, but be careful to take publictransportation. People have been rescued by over-zealous park rangers whowere tipped off by an extra car in the parking lot. Unless you're in theArctic circle, it takes a while, but it's relatively painless once you getpast a certain point. Accessibility varies widely, but freezing gets highmarks for safety and tidiness, and is ideal for nature-lovers.
Overdosing: This is a huge topic, and beyond the scope of this text. Sufficeit to say that the lethal dosage for a given substance depends enormouslyon the individual. In many cases the odds of organ damage are much higherthan the odds of death. Many attempts fail due to the human body's annoyingtendency to vomit when poisoned. Most experts recommend combining drugswith alcohol and a garbage bag over the head, secured with an elastic.
Nitrous Oxide (NO2): When properly applied (using a mask or a garbage bag),it's astoundingly quick and certain, and downright pleasurable (after all,dentists use it). The hard part is getting the stuff. It takes a lot ofwhippets to fill up a garbage bag, and it's difficult to geta tank without posing as a legitimate business.
Oven Gas: This method is totally unacceptable, due to the obvious dangerof blowing up total strangers.
Car Exhaust: This is a fine example of a method that's reasonable in theorybut rarely works out in practice, because it's so hard to do discreetly. A tube from your tailpipe to your car window is bound to attract attention. Run your engine in your garage long enough, and you'll be visitedby a nosy neighbor. Sure it's painless, but failure means brain damage.The active ingredient (Carbon Monoxide) is terrific; it's only the deliverymethod that's a problem.
Carbon Monoxide: This gas binds to your hemoglobin better than oxygen.In practice, this means you can breathe it as easily as oxygen, except thatyou die. It's not as much fun as Nitrous Oxide but it's much easier toobtain. The best way is with a tank from an industrial supply house(see Jerry Hunt's video),but acceptable concentrations can be obtained with indoor use of a charcoalgrill. The main problem is how to avoid killing whoever discovers you.
CONCLUSION
Suicide is hard work, and should not be undertaken lightly. It's easytodo it badly, or make rookie mistakes. As with many things, the best resultsare achieved by thorough research and careful preparation.