joke thread

who makes more money? a prostitute or a crack dealer?

a prostitute cause she can wash and resell her crack

Carl falls to his death and sadly ends up in hell. he meets the devil who tells him "you have three choices of how to spend your eternity in hell." the devil opens the first door and Carl sees a person chained and getting whipped. he quickly says "next choice!" the next door shows a man getting shot at repeatedly with a paintball gun. Carl thinks and says "no way!" devil opens the third door and Carl sees an old man getting head from an attractive young lady. Carl happily yells "yes! yes! i'll take this one!" "are you sure?" the devil asks. "yah! yah! i'm sure!" the devil then says "alright. get up lady, your replacements here!"

A boy comes home from his daily shift in the chip-shop.’’Whats the matter son.’’ his dad asks.’’I got fired.’’the boy replied. His dad marched down to the chip-shop and asks to speak to the manger. The dad says ’’Why did you fire my son.’’ the manger replies ’’I caught him sticking his dick in the potato peeler. ’’May I see the potato peeler?" the dad asks. The manger replies ’’No i fired her too.’’

a guy walks into a bar and whips out this little man and a small piano. the little man starts playing tunes for everyone. fascinated, the bartender asks, "hey that's pretty cool! where'd you get that?" the man says "a genie granted one wish for me. i still got the lamp in my car. go try it! maybe the genie will grant you a wish too." so, the bartender steps out and checks out this genie thing. as he comes back into the bar, he's followed by a million ducks. the man says to the bartender "hey what happened?" bartender says "i dunno, i swear i wished for a million bucks." the man laughs out loud and says "you think i wished for a ten inch pianist?"

ok...this is a long one. there was this mentally handicaped girl and she was just about to turn 18. her mother wanted to through her a big birthday celebration and was preparing some of her favorite dishes. as she was preparing the meal she realized she was missing a few ingredients. so she told her daughter "can u go to the store and pick up two pound of mackeral for me sweetie?" so the daugher replies "ok mummi." so she heads of to the store and go to the seafood department. once inside she waits in line till its her turn and the worker asks her " what can i do for you MS." the girl replies " i niiid toooooow pauwnds makareel." as for the girl is handicapped and has a speech impedimant the worker ask her to repeat her order. " i niiid toooooow pauwnds makareel." "i cant understand u" said the worker, "can u repeat that again?" so again re replies "i niiiid tooooow pauwnds or makareele." the worker still didnt understand and asked her to repeat again. at this point all angry and frustrated the girl sticks her hand inside her pants, rubs her ussy and brings her hand out and wipes her fingers on the workers upper lip. he jumps back in awe and disgust and says "holy mackeral." then with a smile on her face the girls looks at him and says " toooooow pauwnds"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

theres a filipino, japanese, and a potagee construction workers. the bell rings for their lunch and they sit on a beam and look to see what they have. the filipino looks and sees adobo. "adobo! if i get adobo again i going jump off!" the japanese looks at what he has. "sushi! if i get sushi again i going jump off too!" the potagee looks at what he has. "ham sandwich! if i get ham sandwich again i going jump off with you guys!" the next day comes....the filipino looks at what he has for lunch. "auurite! pancit! looks like im not jumping off guys" the japanese looks at what he has. "yakisoba! looks like im not jumping off either." the potagee looks at what he has. "ham sandwich!! forget this already!!" he jumps off. couple weeks later the filipino and the japanese talk to the wife of the potagee at the funeral. "why did you make your husband ham sandwich for lunch!? didnt you know he was going to jump off if he got the same lunch?!" the wife says, "why you blaming me for?! he makes his own lunch!"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

what do u call a blonde with 2 brain cells?


pregnant