joke thread

Norman got home late one night and his wife asked,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Norman replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned.

"What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,

you can stay right here at home and . .

blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Norman is recovering at the Mayo Clinic.

Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"

I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Mundo asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank.
Short line ... just one guy in front of me.

The guy in front of me was a Pakay guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little
agitated ... he asked the teller, "why it change?
yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get
hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Pakay guy yells, "Fluc you white guys too!"

A guy walks into a bar with larry bird and a cat in tow.

Bartender: what’ll you have?

Guy: ill have a beer
Larry: me too.
Cat: me to, but I aint paying for the fckn beer.

Bartender: lets see, 3.25 x 3 … that’ll be $975.

The guy reaches into his pocket and plops down exactly $9.75 on the counter without even looking at it. The next day, the same thing happened.

Bartender: what’ll you have?

Guy: ill have a beer
Larry: me too.
Cat: me to, but I aint paying for the fckn beer.

Bartender: hmmm, 3.25 x 3 … thats $9.75.

This continued on for several days, the guy, larry bird, and the cat would come in for a round of beers. One day the same trio came in again…

Bartender: what’ll you have?

Guy: ill have a whisky
Larry: me too.
Cat: me to, but I aint paying for the fckn whisky.

Bartender: well ok, 4.50 x 3 = … that’ll be $13.50.

The guy reached into his pocket and plops down exactly $13.50 on the counter without even looking at it. The bartender was impressed that the guy had the exact change on the fist crack as usual. Curious the bartender asked the guy how he was able to always pull out the exact amount of money required to pay his tab. The guy explained that along time ago he found a genie’s lamp and rubbed it, out came the genie. He went on to explain he was granted 3 wishes. The bartender asked what the man “what did you wish forâ€

a koala is sitting in a tree when a hooker walks by. The hooker asks him if he'd like to go get a room. They get a room and bang all night and once the koala finishes he goes down on the hooker and heads for the door without paying, She brings him back, pulls out a dictionary and shows him the definition of hooker "has sex for money". The koala takes the dictionary from her and points to the definition of a koala "eats bush and leaves"

one day a man walks up to his wife and says i bet u cant make me happy and sad at the same time.....so the wife pauses....then replied, your penis is bigger then your brothers

So a guy walks in a bar and there is a huge jar full of money. He asks the bartender:

Man: "What's that jar full of money for?"
Bartender: "We have a bet going, first person to make that horse laugh will win the money."

So they guy throws his money in the jar, wispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts cracking up with laughter. The man empties the jar and takes the money home.

The next week, he walks into the same bar. Again, there is a full money jar and he asks the bartender:

Man: "So whats the bet this week?"
Bartender: "First person to make the horse cry will win the pot."

So the guy takes the horse in the back room and comes out, the horse is full of tears and crying.

The bartender then asks the guy:
"Last week, you came in here and made my horse laugh when nobody else could. This week, you came in here and made him cry when nobody else could. How did you do it?"

The man answered with:

"It's simple, last week I told him that my dick was bigger than his...and this week, I showed it to him."

miss nancy is playing a game with her class,

the game is to guess wat she is holding

teacher: round, red, and yummy
student: an apple
teacher: very good, i like the way u think

the teacher then grabs something else

teacher: round, small, and purple
student: a grape
teacher: very good i like the way u think

again the teacher grabs something else

teacher: big, oval, and green
student: a watermelon
teacher: very good, i like the way u think

bobby (a boy) says that he wants to try so....

bobby: its round, hard and in my pants
teacher: BOBBY!!! go to the office
bobby: why
teacher: beacause that was innappropriate
bobby: what was?
teacher: u were reffering to a penis
bobby: no, i was talking about a quarter but i like the way u think

2 men were having sex when the phone rings, one man says dont get it, but what if its important?? so they keep going, 5 mions later the door bell rings, dont get it please say the man, but its important, fine, yelled the man, walking out he says dont come without me, i wont yelled the other, when the guy comes back there come all over the walls and bed, what the fuck!!! i thought i told you not to come without me!!! the man replied i didnt come, i farted!!!

this is true story. one time i was at a baseball game and this old man pulls up to urinal next to me and says this is were all the dicks hang out



badda bing